Established I’m an even worse person than I initially thought. Way to go, thought I was about as bad as I could get 

I’m so confused and so angry and upset and I just can’t I’m just so angry and lost I don’t know what I’m supposed to believe I’m in over my head help

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It’s horrible to deserve no love, to have a lot of love and still yearn for unconditional love, no matter what, to be taken care of, completely. A love that doesn’t exist, a love I can’t ever hope to deserve, he already loves me more than he ought to. I want to mean the world to someone, and to be treasured and precious. I want to be fragile.

I’m worried to say this because I know Craig loves me, I’m not being ungrateful, I just want something that doesn’t exist. 

I’m really conscious and scared of posting on here now craig knows of it. 

I still need somewhere though, and if you read this, I’m sorry, baby, if you don’t like it. I’m sorry but I can’t jeep this in my head and I can’t keep it in a diary because physically writing takes more thinking, thinking hurts me, I get so frustrated with my mind. So I’m sorry, I’m really sorry.

Now I’ll get on with the post I was going to make.

I don’t like how I look, I mean, I hate how I look. I could go on for hours about all my flaws, I am my flaws. I wish more than anything I could lose some weight, of my thighs particularly, I wish I’d have a flat stomach again, I wish i had clear skin and I wish my hair was in good condition, I wish I could wear anything I liked. I hate who I am, I wish I was a better person, I wish I was gentle, I wish I could be nice, I wish I wasn’t manipulative. I don’t know, I hate myself. 

I know people say things in arguments, both with my parents and boyfriend, except when it’s true, no matter true just when I’m horrible, are still true and I hold onto them and I don’t think I have any self-esteem to chip away at. My mum told me she thinks most of my problems and the reason I change my hair and pierce my skin is because I have no self-esteem, she’s worried I have depression, I heard her telling my Dad. My Dad says I’m just being a teenager. I don’t know, I honestly don’t and to an extent it’s making it worse.

If someone could bury themselves into me, and feel how hollow I am, and how empty I feel, and how lost lost lost I am within myself, I wonder what they’d say. I feel safest when I’m fighting, and I feel so much emotion. I’m trying to feel emotion for people, and I love Craig except sometimes whilst I feel the love I have, tugging out of me and emptying me further, I’m struggling to feel him loving me and filling me back up. I’m drained and soon I’ll have nothing to give.

My body went into self-destruct. I haven’t eaten today and I’m not sure whether I’m scared I’ll be sick, trying to punish myself or looking for feeling because I feel weak, I feel empty, I feel everything my mind thinks it’s ought to feel. I’m going to have tea, I don’t know what, I have to decide and that’s daunting but I’ll force myself to eat a days worth of calories in a night. Because I’m not going back to where I was last year. I’m weak but I have a lot more to lose this time round, and it won’t just be me suffering.

I need to like who I am, but I don’t. I need to feel liked and loved, but I don’t. I need someone to help me, but I need to help myself. I keep looking for a novel-esque romance/saviour in him that I know I don’t deserve and I know I won’t have because I don’t put in enough effort myself. I need to start living in reality. 

I need to pass psychology tomorrow.